[personal profile] tara_hanoi
So, I was at $conference. I think I walked out of there knowing and considering more than when I walked in, so that's a good thing.

There was an old joke told as an introduction to one of the talks: "There are 2 hard problems in programming: Cache invalidation, naming things and off-by-one errors."

Yup, names are hard. Names are harder for some than for others. Actually writing this post is hard.

It's hard because I want to speak about something.

But it's also hard because I don't want to lay blame.

This is not about anyone. It might be about me, a little... but not really.

It's not about $conference, or anything they can do.

I just want to talk about it. I know nobody (beyond those who know me) is going to read this, but I want to make it clear that this is not a thing that I expect to be fixed or for blame to lie anywhere. This is just something that Is.

This is the first time I didn't have to pay for a ticket. Basically my employer paid for the tickets for a bunch of us in exchange for spending some time on a desk pimping our jobs. Sure, it means I missed some talks I wanted to go to, because I was on the desk, but that's fine. That's also not what I want to talk about.

I'm really not sure if there are any answers here.

I'm trans, and in a weird situation.

Outside of work, I'm known as Aoife.

Inside of work, I'm known by a different name; it's the name that would be used if I had to appear in court.

In the Dublin $conference community, I'm known as Aoife.

Because my workplace paid for my ticket, I had my legal name on my name badge. So, the community got to see a name of mine that I really rather wish they didn't know.

I have a rule these days: I try not to give people a choice in my identity; I'm always disappointed when people choose the wrong one.

The letters on my name badge are big. I assume it's to provide safety behind knowing someone's "real" name.

It makes sense: big letters on a big badge make it hard to hide; it makes spaces safe; it doesn't let you hide.

People saw my legal name.

A name I don't want them to see.

They were given a choice in my identity, without me giving it.

A choice I did not want to let them have.

It caused confusion for others.

It caused embarassment for me.

There is no blame here.

Just an unfortunate situation.

I could get off the fence but, right now, there are reasons not to.

This was meant to be a temporary thing. For most, it is.

This embarassing little situation does not last long for most trans people I know.

But I'm stuck.

I know people who organised the event, this was nothing they did; no fault lies with them.

If I talked to them, I could have avoided this situation.

If I had done that, I would have had a different problem with work.

I have a rule: you don't come out in work, they look at you differently; it's never the same.

I have a rule: I can come out to colleagues, if I consider them friends.

I have a rule: you don't come out to management, they expect you to do something.

One choice or the other would have been uncomfortable.

Naming things is hard.
From:
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
User
Account name:
Password:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
Subject:
HTML doesn't work in the subject.

Message:

 
Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.

Profile

tara_hanoi

September 2015

S M T W T F S
   12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27282930   

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 21st, 2017 06:46 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios